When my family and I put our beloved dog, Tinki (Tinkerbell) to rest on Saturday, June 27th, we all felt deep, heavy pain. On Friday the 26th, she lost control of her legs and body although her mind was still strong as ever. Tinki was 13 years old and developed neurological problems about a year ago. Medication didn't seem to help or improve her condition. Saying goodbye and going through the motion of taking her to the vet and the injections was absolutely agonizing. But the most humane and kindest thing to do was taking her in and let the veterinarian put her to rest. No more pain and suffering. I drove to my parents house on Saturday and had focused on one step at a time because the entire day was overwhelming and heartbreaking. A weight sat on my chest and wouldn't budge. It kept crushing my heart, over and over. I knew time would help heal, but couldn't escape this feeling.
I kept reminding myself to hold it together as best as I could and remain strong for my parents sake. My dad was such a mess. Seeing him that way made my heart ache even worse. When I was at their house, I tried to help them cope more than I allowed myself to grieve. They were the ones who would feel her absence most since she was a huge part of their daily routine. I was able to leave and go back to Atlanta. Out of sight, out of mind.
Since I've started meditating a couple years ago, I could remind myself to be strong in that moment. For my parents and my brother. And for Tinki. I could break down later. And I did the whole way home (I had about an hour drive back to my apartment from their house). When a wave of sadness hit, it felt so easy to give in and crumble. But in order to be strong, I took a moment to let my mind become blank. Then I would tell myself to stay strong. Stay strong for them. And I told myself this about a dozen times that afternoon. If my parents saw me crumble, it would make them hurt worse. And I did not want that as they were suffering enough.
When it felt like my heart kept crumbling, I tried to hold on to the good things in life, no matter how small they seemed. That helped. Distractions like feel-good movies, visits with friends (like Starbucks with Ginny!), and playing with my dogs helped. Silence and being alone was not helpful. Too much thinking about just my own sadness was not helpful. I needed to do something positive to counteract the negative. And so I tried. I actively looked for the good and focused on life in front of me (which was never easy so I had to force myself most of the time). Little by little, I kept going. I took my dogs for walks in nature, created art, cooked good food, drew a comforting design about Tinki on a shirt for my mom, and played the guitar.
I don't want this post to seem sad, but it is healing for me to write and remember her. If I can help someone else during their time of grief, then it's worth it for me to share all of this. It's amazing how a little dog can touch a lot of hearts. My extended family, some of my parents' neighbors, and the people at the vet's office were all choked up about Tinki. I would like to share with you some of the adventures we shared together.
Tinki loved going for bike and scooter rides in her little basket. I would often take her to the park down the road and ride my bike around with her in the basket. She would bark if she wasn't the first one in line during a group ride.
We went to the Florida beaches many, many times. We saw a lot of sunrises together as a family. My brother is not a morning person so he would often sleep through them!
She was playful and would roll around in her bed, making cute gremlin noises.
We went to North Carolina, high in the mountains, to visit my aunt and uncle and their dog. This picture was from high school, so that was quite a few years ago.
Antlers were totally in season. So trendy.
Fashionable in Florida, visiting my grandparents while they were still alive.
This was during the winter in Georgia, and she was styling a pickle colored sweater.
I took these photos last year when I watched these two dogs (Tinki and Monster) for the weekend. My parents were out of town and I loved the chance to watch them. We went on a walk around my large apartment complex.
A tortoise visited the backyard. These two had to investigate the cute intruder.
Tinki and Monster, sitting stoically together.
She loved looking out the window, watching people, birds, and anything that moved. Sometimes she would bark in her high pitch, cute bark, to say hello.
