It is not easy staying positive. The concept is something new I've adopted over the past couple years. I can't speak for everyone who has been quiet or shy growing up, but for myself at that time, I didn't understand how some people could feel happy and outgoing all the time. How could I, or anyone, just march right through the troubles without acknowledging that there is a problem? Looking at the sunny side was not helpful, but as I grew older the other extreme wore out as well. Recently I have been trying to find a way to merge those extremes, to face my negativity, address its validity, and then propose ways to change things for the better.
Around that time growing up I used to pray to God when I was scared, or worried, or confused. It was the thought of tender wishes of love and safety being sent out and wrapped around me, my family, and my friends no matter how far away. More recently in rediscovering my spirituality, I've missed some part of those days. I miss the connection I felt to others, the universe, and something larger than myself; I missed believing that the connections actually had meaning. However, I had found more comfort and freedom from letting go of my Christian faith. Organized religion with its focus on one dogmatic faith fits all, felt constraining and irrational. I started believing in myself and individuals more than wishes to pretty notions in the sky. I was content, but would there ever be something like prayer in my life again?
One night I was feeling particularly down. So instead of trying to sleep while thoughts bombarded my mind, I started writing. I got out all of that anxiety about my financial independence upon graduation, all those worries about the difficulty in finding a job I enjoy in this economy, the headache about paying loans, my concerns about risking a move to another state, and my doubts about my readiness for this all. When I was finished my mind could breath again, but I didn't really feel any better. I needed a prayer--what kind though? I couldn't honestly pray to God, or any other kind of divinity. I realized what I really needed was a prayer to myself, a holy moment, or affirmation of sorts. I didn't hold back; I didn't matter how little sense I made, or how strange it seemed, I would pray to myself and say exactly what I needed to hear any time I felt like this. It was empowering experience to simply comfort myself. It was somewhere in between a meditation and a poetic conversation with myself.
Borrow my idea if you think its inspiring. If you ever feel the need wrap yourself in words of self encouragement, discipline, and love, I recommend it.
Until next time. Peace!
G
