Everything I do right now doesn't make the hollowness or sadness disappear. I've been distracting myself by watching "Chopped" on Amazon Prime. It does distract me for a bit. But then it ends and I'm left with the reality that I don't want to be true. Today I made myself get out of my home and just go shopping with Caleb (boyfriend). I wanted to do something that was not a distraction. Shopping today didn't feel like a distraction because I was actually involved in doing something. And it helped that Caleb was there with me. Because of this, I at least was able to grasp some happiness today.
Today I found out that one of my friends has died. I am tremendously sad and heart broken. When I found out my whole body was shaking and I was falling apart. Her twin sister, Heather, died about six months ago. My friend, Jen, I know was struggling with that loss. I can't ever imagine what she was going through. I reached out to her then, for the first time in a while. I wish I would've kept reaching and not giving up. I have been thinking about her over the period of time we haven't talked. I still cared about her. I didn't let her know that though. No matter how much time passed, I always cared and thought about her. I wondered about her life. But I didn't just talk to her then or really try to get together. We said that we'd plan on doing something over the last few years but we got busy in our own lives and it just never happened. And now it's too late. I thought I would have "later on" but that was taken from me, from us, from the hope of our friendship being like how it used to or even better.
I'm so mad at myself for not making more effort to hang out with her. I know friendship is a two-way street, but sometimes it just takes one person to put in a tiny bit more effort. That should've been me. So much has changed since her and I hung out or really had a conversation. Yeah you can like each others pictures or posts on facebook but that's not the same. It's better than nothing I suppose because at least we saw what each other was doing. I "liked" and commented on things on facebook when she got engaged, and then married. She was only married for a little over a year too. I never met her husband but just from seeing facebook I know he really loved her. I feel heart broken for him.
Jen was an important part of my life in high school and the beginning of college. We were lucky enough to go to the same school and even have a few classes together (along with Brittney who was still my neighbor at the time). And that was so much fun. I'm so fortunate that I had good people who made great friends there with me to start my college journey--that all of us started the journey together. I learned a lot while they were learning new things as well. Of course, we went separate ways eventually. I moved to Atlanta and transferred schools. And Brittney went to UGA to pursue her passion, which she is wonderful at by the way. Not everyone can be a teacher--especially such a patient, passionate, and caring teacher.
Jen lived about five minutes away during school. That was convenient to hang out and do things. But then I moved to Atlanta and I lost touch with a lot of people. And they lost touch with me. And we were such good friends for a period of time. I don't know if Jen ever knew how much I cared. I will always cherish the time we had together. She was a warm, bright light. She was cheerful, bubbly, and caring. I hate that she is gone, that her light is out. It tears me up inside. I hate it not just for myself, but for everyone that knew her.
I can't change the past. I wish I could've done things differently. I wish her and I still would've kept in touch better in the last few years. I will always wish I could have that chance. But it's too late. :-( I was too late. And there's nothing I could do about it now. Except try to channel this sadness into something good and positive. I'll figure it out more as I slowly heal. I always try to learn from experiences.
Typing all this out hopefully helps. I'm no longer sobbing or crying. Today, the realization she is gone has hit me in sudden tidal waves. I still am shocked. I have been grieving today. I am still feeling so low and broken-hearted. But this post will hopefully help me heal a little. I also realized things from today. Death always does that to me. And it has a way of making me aware that I do not have an infinite amount of time. I need to stop putting things off (like meeting up with old but once great friends). I need to let the people I care about know how much they mean to me. I don't want them ever wondering if I cared about them. Gin girl, whenever you read this just know that I love you. I'm glad I chose to work at Fellini's instead of Starbucks. I didn't always feel that way when I worked there though haha. I'm sure I would've met cool people there too but definitely glad I met you and some of the pizza gang. We are going to hang out this month. Not we "should" but we are.
Rest in peace, sweet Jennifer. Thank you for being part of my life and sharing your journey with me. I will hold you in my heart and never forget you.
