As you know, I graduated last month! The day of graduation didn't feel any different. The week of didn't feel any different. And you might have guessed, the week after didn't feel any different either. But within these past couple weeks, I do feel differently. Let me quickly state that I will never miss finals again. Haha, done with that mess. But I never thought I'd feel the way I am feeling right now. And I'm figuring out how to deal with it.
So let's start within a couple of weeks ago. Nothing really has changed too much in life to bring out this feeling. Something just snapped inside (not literally because I would possibly be in a hospital bed) and I don't know what triggered it. Somewhere in those weeks I realized that I am really done with college. And I always felt trapped while attending the university. Like I couldn't really live my life or go places or experience everything I wanted to do. Like it held me here and kept me detained or grounded. But then, I was free-- finally free. A huge sense of freedom overcame me. Until I realized that was short lived.
Job Search and the negativity that it brings. I am a positive person and always seek the good in situations. It's disheartening and discouraging at times to hear those say "good luck finding a job" so sarcastically and doubtfully. But I'm doing my own thing and not letting that negativity drag me down! So when I do find a job soon however, I'm afraid of being sucked into the 9-5 life and everything it entails. That's not freedom for me. Now, these are my feelings and I'm applying them to my life, so if perchance someone reads this and gets offended, well, don't. For my life, I don't fit that 9-5 mold. I will do it for now because I have to in order to eat, fuel my car, and pay the bills. And that's when it really hit me. I'm already getting caught up in the system of acting like a sheep that will become part of a mindless herd. That's not what I want out of life. It will consume my soul. I don't fit that lifestyle.
I don't want to get caught up in the monotonous day-to-day shenanigans and have ten years go by, and I'm still in the same place I was before. I'm going to be 25 this year-- a quarter of a decade! Like, holy %&*#balls! <You can imagine the selection of colorful wording used there. I always thought I wanted to be married at 25 and know exactly what I wanted to do with life, and I wanted my life to have some great purpose. As it turns out, I still don't know. I don't want to be married right now although I have a long-time boyfriend of whom I love immensely. And I don't even think I want to change my name or do some other traditional stuff. It does not apply to who I am and it's just an unnecessary inconvenience for me. Plus I'm an artist and writer! Changing my name would be bad for biz (of course I'd probably use a pen name anyway).
What it comes down is... I am just really starting to figure out what I want my life to be about. I gained a small bit of freedom in graduating (but then come the student loan payments! haha). I'm still young. Even if I wasn't, I'm always going to live by the standards and values I set for myself, regardless of what society deems standard. So, I want to go travel, see and experience other things and cultures. I want to explore and learn and have fun. I want to be able to laugh loudly and uncontrollably, always. There is so much out there to explore, so how can I settle down in one place for so long just because it's easy, comfortable, and convenient? And for me, that's not really living. We have one lifetime to do these things. And if I get caught up in some job here then I might just stay here for many more years, doing and experiencing the same thing over and over again. Although it seems a bit scary to go far away from my parents (because I love them and we have a good relationship), I just have to go. One day, however, I do want to settle down and make my own "nest." But that'll be further down in life.
Some days I expect myself to wake up as a 60 year old. Some moments I feel like I'm living inside my memory, or a flashback... if that makes sense. Like I'm literally living in a vivid flashback from my 20's. Also, I keep hearing (and now experiencing) how quickly time goes by. That scares me. I don't want to keep hearing that from older people! And they remember things from our age when they're already decades older. I can recall memories vividly from being a toddler! That was over 20 years ago!! Ah! This is partly why I feel like I'm living in a flashback at times. And it's small moments too, not big ones.
Cheese. Finally, the cheese! Well, I love cheese. And within the past month or so I have made a tremendous effort to eat less cheese, and dairy products in general. More vegan choices. Oh, the swiss, and my old friend sharp cheddar, and can't forget the mozzarella... I eliminated dairy from my diet for two weeks, then slowly added a little bit in. And in that time, I didn't feel bloated or mucusy. I felt much better without it. But now I'll eat just a tad bit of cheese every once in awhile. I still get plenty of protein, calcium, and other nutrients from natural products like kale and almond milk instead of cow milk. My body just feels better and I'm happier without it.
And I miss ya dude! I hope you're having some fun in Peru. Game of Thrones finale tonight-- AH!! I need to read these books already. I've been living in a series called "Arrested Development" which airs on Netflix. They recently renewed another season all the way from 2006. I've always heard about it, but never watched it. And I love it! The characters are hilarious. Buster is my favorite. You should check it out when you return to the states. And apparently Colorado wants to split into North and South Colorado. And that's about it here. Skype soon! I'm going to download it on my phone.
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